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Saturday 6th June 2020

West on the Week: Where does The Apprentice find these numpties?

Big Brother's Andy West takes a swipe at this week's news

Every so often a craze comes along that inspires stupid people to explore the deepest, darkest canyons of their stupidity.

Usually they are relatively harmless, like eating a spoonful of cinnamon or buying an Olly Murs album, but lately the Youtube generation of testosterone-addled dunderheads have decided it’s absolutely hilarious… I’m barely able to write this I’m giggling so much… absolutely hilarious… no wait for it, to dress up as a relatively frightening clown and chase people around with knives.

I’m rolling around on the floor.

It’s left a lot of people very angry, not least our population of genuine clowns, who don’t find the phenomenon funny at all. Which is ironic, because nobody has ever found them funny either.

Fortunately, these teenage idiots aren’t hard to catch what with the huge shoes and massive trousers. I imagine them trying to make a getaway on their miniature bicycles.

If they want to act like a clown let’s support them all the way and shoot the lot of them out of a cannon.

How an MP proved they are human after all

Most MPs don’t talk in the Houses of Parliament, they just guff self-indulgent nonsense hoping nobody wakes up.

I’ve been there and honestly, it’s no wonder everybody’s p***ed. Wine is the only way to cope. It’s like New Zealand.

But this week MP Vicky Foxcroft decided to do something brave. She made a very real, very honest and very emotional speech about the loss of her baby when she was a teenager.

She spoke about how her daughter Veronica had lived for only five days after complications during birth but her daughter was still very much in her thoughts every day.

How wonderful to see an MP speaking from the heart and expressing such important emotion in the House. And how nice to remember that it’s still possible to be a Labour MP in 2016 without also being a total w****r.

Watching idiots and numpties fighting - yes, it's The Apprentice!

Talking of w*****s, have you been watching the new series of The Apprentice? Where did they find those men?

I mean, usually you get a bit of eye candy, right? Look at James Hill. I mean… that’s what I’m doing now… I just Googled him.

I’m still looking at James Hill...

Where was I? Yes this year’s lot are a very odd looking bunch.

When they stand next to each other it’s like someone’s pulled off a massive sock. I dropped a yoghurt yesterday and it came up with a better jeans promotion than this bunch of goons.

Meanwhile, the girls are about as savvy as a goat that’s been hit with a rock.

If this is the kind of entrepreneurial talent we have to draw upon to survive Brexit then welcome to Mexico guys, we’re all going to be poncho-wearing miners in ten years’ time and that goat will probably be business secretary.

Though I must say I kind of suspect the show isn’t really about finding genuine business talent anymore. It’s about shoving a bunch of numpties into a situation and watching them make idiots of themselves and fight with each other.

Bring it on!

The importance of Mental Awareness Day

Monday was Mental Health Awareness day. It’s an important issue to me, because depression affects a huge number of people, young men particularly according to the stats.

I opened up this week about the fact that I have been on medication earlier in the year for clinical depression.

I admitted that I’d thought about taking my own life and that I’d felt little hope for my future. Thankfully I always had something inside that told me I had to carry on and now I spend every day energized by everything that’s happened after Big Brother.

I guess the main message is to make sure your friends can talk to you in case they’re hiding their own dark thoughts.

Personally though, the things that lifted me out of the shadows were those small gestures of kindness and generosity from friends. A text message asking me to go for a pint, perhaps. A compliment or even just a touch of someone’s hand on my shoulder.

You’d never know it, but those little things can make someone decide the world has too many good people in it to leave behind.

At last, someone with talent!

On to a more classy, talented celeb. Rebecca Ferguson’s new album Superwoman is out now and I got to meet the amazing lady herself. She was in the middle of an endless round of repetitive interviews so I made sure I mixed it up a bit.

I’ve got to say I hadn’t really seen much of Rebecca’s personality come through in TV stuff before so I was massively chuffed to find out how much fun she is!

Seriously, watch the video, we had each other in stitches singing songs and coming up with her new stage alter-ego. And yes, buy the album it’s like popping candy and caramel.