West on the Week: “I worry Honey G is being made a laughing stock without knowing she’s the joke.”

Elsewhere, Sinitta is playing Cupid - will she find me a So Macho man?

So Macho new boyfriend?

If you’d have told me six months ago that Sinitta would be helping me find a new boyfriend I’d have slapped your face and called you Leonard.

But that’s exactly what’s happening! I met her at the London Lifestyle Awards and she was shocked to hear about my split with my ex. So now she’s scraping round the barrel to find someone eligible who would be willing to date me. God luck, Sinitta! I’m waiting by the phone, Bridget Jones style. All by myself…

Cause for cancer support for all

I was deeply moved this week by news that Emmerdale’s Leah Bracknell has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Fans of the show have donated tens of thousands of pounds to help with her care and treatment. It’s a wonderful reflection of how deeply loved the actress is and how shocked and horrified we are to think that she may be lost to us.

But it’s also worth remembering that most people have to face terminal illness without such generosity and that’s where charities like Marie Curie come in. This week, I attended the launch of their #FeelSuper campaign in Soho and met Frankie Bridge. I got to meet some of the charity’s amazing nurses who care for terminally ill people at home. You can see my interview with Frankie here. It was so much fun but for a seriously good cause.

Janet Street Porter’s paedophile comments off-mark

Janet Street Porter is known for three things. A) she likes her hair to look like a muskrat drowning in beetroot. B) She could eat an apple through a letter box. C) She speaks her mind and we love her for it.

But on Loose Women this week she branded Martine MCutcheon and Penny Lancaster Nazis for saying sex offenders shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Janet says once people have done their time in prison they’re free to live their lives. That makes sense for most crimes, even violent ones, but not sex offenders.

Sexually perverted criminals might be medicated but never ‘reformed’. I mean, you could put me behind bars for 20 years and I’d still fancy Daniel Radcliffe. I’m on Martine and Penny’s side on this one.

Oh, baby, what an entrance to the world

Cheryl Cole (let’s call her that shall we?) might be pregnant with Liam Payne’s baby! It’ll make an odd family, considering the fact that Liam kind of looks like Cheryl’s son, but good luck to the couple. One thing’s for sure, if she is pregnant then at some point the baby can only go in One Direction.

At that point I hope she doesn’t give birth on all fours because the first thing it’ll see is her massive rose tattoo. Imagine popping into the world and thinking: ‘Great my mum has been designed by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.’ Can babies roll their eyes and tut? No matter, it’ll catch up.

Butt of all Facebook pokes?

Have you seen the story about the woman who went to A+E with a sex toy up her bottom? There should be a punch line here… but it’s not a joke. She posted pics on social media to highlight her predicament. Well, good on her I say. Rather that than baby scans and plates of food. Those Facebook pics are such a pain in the arse.

Parental punishment too far

There’s a sickening video doing the rounds online. No, Ed Sheeran hasn’t released a new single, it’s of a mum shaving her daughter’s head to punish her for bullying someone suffering from cancer.

The girl’s screams and cries of anguish during the video are horrible to listen to and I was horrified by what I saw. I’m dead against bullying and bullies must be punished but what lesson does this teach the poor girl?

Parents: it is your job to punish as you see fit but not with ridiculous, childish grand gestures designed to win you attention and humiliate the person you’re supposed to be raising. No wonder the girl’s a bully. So is her foul mother.

X Factor furore unfair

Lastly, I wanted to say that I met Ottavio and Bradley at The X Factor’s studios this week and they were really good guys. They’re taking a lot of abuse right now because they’re flamboyant and loud and different. Perhaps they also strike people as fake, deluded and a little immature.

Well, fair enough if that’s your impression, but I want to tell you that they seem like decent guys when you meet them and I think they deserve to be in the finals brightening up The X Factor and showing no fear.

Besides, they can actually sing. Honey G though? I worry she’s being made a laughing stock without knowing she’s the joke.

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Andy is hosting  a one man show called Andy, Can You Come To The Diary Room at the Phoenix Artist Club in London from 7pm on October 19. Join the star studded audience by buying your tickets here

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