West on the Week: “Half the people on reality TV aren’t real”

Scotty T is reassuringly the genuine Geordie deal

Lineker’s opinion sounds like plain fact

So Gary Lineker has got a load of stick for tweeting that the treatment of refugee kids by some British people is hideous? Sounds like a plain fact to me. Meanwhile there are calls for the BBC to sack the presenter. I applaud the Beeb for standing by their man, though I do raise my eyebrows at their reasoning. Apparently, he’s just a ‘freelancer’ so that’s why they won’t discipline him. Some freelancer, though… paid millions and fronting a flagship BBC TV show watched by millions.

More importantly, when did it become such a bad thing to care for foreign people escaping terror? Because that’s what they’re doing; escaping terror, not importing it. Truth is, there aren’t many people alive today who can remember what a real enemy is. Hitler, smallpox and hunger have largely disappeared. So we find innocents to demonise. Statistically those teens ‘coming over here’ are very likely to work, pay taxes and live productive lives. Unlike the people who are very likely to hate them for the place they were born.

Bladder contents for brains

Women should pay tax on tampons because, after all, menstruation happens in the bladder – so just hold it in like wee. That, believe it or not, is the opinion of a human adult capable of writing and calling himself a student. I understand teenage potato Ryan Williams is not studying biology, but… He said women should learn to control their bladders.

Ryan, let me pee on your bonfire, you apparent misogynistic idiot: can I suggest you shift the stupidity carriage you call a body to a primary school sex education class before telling half the population to pay for the privilege of having monthlies? The problem with stupidity is that it lacks the wherewithal to recognise its own reflection.

Andy, can you come (back) to the diary room, please…

This week I went to the West End to see a one-man show by some guy called Andy West who was apparently the unattractive, patronising gay guy in Big Brother. I didn’t watch BB, sorry, but this was still probably the most amazing piece of theatre I have ever seen! It was hilarious and also excruciatingly emotional with moments of absolute genius, and if it doesn’t win an Olivier Award then we must blame the Illuminati. It must have been tough for this Andy fella to hold his feelings in during the scene where he watched his doomed engagement back on a big screen.

Clearly this guy is destined for great things and when he takes the show out of London I would encourage everyone to buy tickets. A huge well done to the supporting cast: West End star Steph Parry, Big Brother 2014 housemate Chris Wright, comedian Anna Morris and actor Danny Willis for being almost as stunning as Andy.

A Shore thing

I got kissed by Scotty T yesterday. But not before he’d done my make-up using his personal bronzer brush and spilled the beans on what he really thinks of his new Geordie Shore co-‘stars’. I’ve got to be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d take to the lad, after seeing him on TV speaking foreign about drinking, brawling and apparently doing the filthy with anything female and interested, but I have to say I liked him a lot. Why? Because in this world of celebrity, he’s real. He’s not pretending to be anything he isn’t.

There are a load of celebrity fakes out there willing to look you in the eye and lie through their veneers but he genuinely is just a Geordie lad living a crazy life and trying to make sense of it. Well, maybe make nonsense of it but who cares? He says the new Geordie bores are fakes. Not surprising. Just like Big Brother, half the people on reality TV aren’t real at all anymore. I know that from my own experience. Good for Scotty for being his bouncy, unpredictable self. He’s got a book out, ‘A Shore Thing’, which might as well be written in Latin but when he read it to me it was like being caked in hot mud. Filthy but ultimately revitalising. Watch our (WARNING – naughty!) bonding session here!