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Monday 3rd August 2020

EXCLUSIVE! West on the Week: "I'm thinking of getting a tattoo... Victoria Beckham on my leg, perhaps?"

(Now where would that leave David...?)

There's so much in my new life I love. It's fun going to showbiz events for the free champagne and the star-spotting. I'm buzzing about my work on radio and TV. I have to admit though, there are times when I do miss my old job as a TV reporter because it put me in touch with such inspiring people.

On the razzle dazzle with Ex On The Beach's Charlotte Dawson

I am extremely touched and overwhelmed that people have reached out to me.

People who don't get to go to parties because their poorly kid needs looking after every hour of every day or their spouse has dementia or their son has learning disabilities. For me meeting such strong, humble, hard-working people kept my feet on the ground.

Lots of invitations to celeb events since BB

Now the people I meet tend to be young, beautiful, successful and free to do whatever they want and get paid for it to boot. You could easily forget what real life is like. Luckily I have my decent friends to remind me not to get wrapped up in fakery or nonsense in the news and - just as importantly - I have my new social media mates.

Catching up with some young BB beauties, Laura and Sam

I've been contacted by a girl whose sister is gravely ill in hospital after a car accident and a mum with a son living with cancer who is facing a tough operation as well as a number of lads, women and men struggling to come to terms with being gay.

I'm just a journo and presenter who was on Big Brother for five minutes, but I am extremely touched and overwhelmed that people have reached out to me if I can help. If I can then I couldn't be happier or prouder. It also makes me understand that what microcosmic recognition I do have in the public eye can be used for something meaningful so I am really keen to use what influence I have to helping others. Hopefully that way I can stay sane!

Showbiz + real-life balance = sanity!

Talking of champagne and staying sane I’ve decided to lay off drinking for a while. Maybe only for a short while, maybe for longer.

And as much fun as it is to stumble home at 4am every night and wake up the next morning with a head full of seaweed, I realise it doesn’t help you stay fit and positive.

Off the booze... for now!

Plus, I felt like my face was slowly puffing up like a Yorkshire pudding. The weight, however, was still coming off… because I was living on an apple a day. Not because I wanted to lose weight (I love my food) but because I just didn’t have an appetite underneath all the worry and excitement I was experiencing. A couple of days ago I woke with pains in my back and front and a sick feeling and I panicked, imagining some ridiculous deadly disease or internal attack from my partying.

Google diagnosed me with imminent death. My mate calmed me down on the phone. "No, you're not dying but you will if you carry on like this, you bloody idiot. You need to sleep, stop drinking so much and relax." He was right and I knew it. So no drink for me for a few days anyway. I'll fill the gap with chocolate. Give me chocolate NOW!

Is it finally time I get a tattoo? I always figured I'm too pale for one. Wouldn't it look like someone burst a biro on a bacon joint? Well, no matter, because nobody else seems to care how silly they can look. Some I love but some... they're tattoo much for me. I could have a permanent neck brace like charity shop snob Jeremy McConnell or maybe a massive flower on my bottom like the otherwise beautiful Cheryl Fernandez Versini.

Tat's a bit too much...

I quite fancy sitting on a pansy for the rest of my life. Hugely successful designer of the famous skittles dress Sarah Bryan has gone for a creepy treacle death mask on her shoulder to cover up a word she might have uttered when she first looked in the mirror following the new inky addition.

No. You have to be cool and toned for a tattoo and though I'm many things I am definitely not cool or toned. Maybe I'll get a spray tan and muscles first then PVA a picture of Victoria Beckham to my leg.

VB on my left leg, Goldenballs on my right...?

As I lie here in bed reading this back I realise my column is less perky than usual. I hope you don't mind. I'm preparing to go full thrust with my Youtube Channel AndyVision https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCClsx8ZP3fBvhLjpvKE7Zpg)  after buying the kit to shoot myself across the world. I recorded a pilot for a groundbreaking new radio show this week.

Getting topical with radio buds Dr Ranj and Charlie King

I've had an amazing time writing for ED! all week and I'm getting ready for other fun opportunities. Highlight of the week for me was a brief twitter chat with the awesome comedy legend James Dreyfus (Gimme Gimme Gimme, Notting Hill, Thin Blue Line) so I'm feeling on top of the world... the air can get a bit thin at times but I've got such great people around me.

They make me laugh and remember I'm not alive to be recognised on an escalator but to do my best and make the most of everything I have to be grateful for. We all have to count our blessings and bless those we love.