I went to the Jeans for Genes launch in Knightsbridge but had a day-long meltdown about my severe lack of clothes!
Not only that, my hair looked like I had a rabid cat sleeping on my head.
It was one of my bad face days where my cheeks decide to puff out in an allergic reaction to life.
All in all I was not feeling confident as I stepped from the taxi in dishevelled jeans and a shirt that had more creases than Mother Theresa’s face.
This is what I feel like going to celebrity events filled with impossibly gorgeous people in perfectly-fitted designer outfits.
I genuinely find them quite stressful. I just don’t fit in.
Imagine me toppling clumsily from my cab and walking along the street to the venue.
Just as I turned the corner there was a lightning flash of twenty cameras.
I was a little surprised to be given the full red carpet treatment but I straightened my back and put on my best confident smile.
I needn’t have worried though because the paps were actually going crazy for my former Big Brother housemate Laura Carter who it turned out was strutting just in front of me.
Once she was inside the photographers turned to me and, realising that I didn’t have breasts, went back to eating sandwiches.
The party was in a GAP store which took me back because I used to work there when I was a student.
Old habits die hard so while the beautiful ones were sashaying around drinking champagne and posing for the cameras, I was in the corner folding chinos.
I relaxed a little though when Laura came over and handed me a drink.
Earlier in the day I’d tweeted her about my outfit insecurities and she’d replied saying not to worry because she wasn’t making any effort.
That was a brazen lie. She looked stunning as ever but I forgave her as we chatted about how busy we are and what a crazy few weeks it’s been.
My other ex-housemate Sam Giffen was there too and he introduced me to Charlotte Dawson from Ex On The Beach who is at least 60% leg.
I’ve never seen such long pins in my life!
I’d been told by friends how funny she is – taking after her legendary dad – and we certainly had a good laugh about how rubbish I looked. More champagne please.
I went to the makeshift bar where extraordinarily handsome lads were pouring out drinks.
Without looking properly I picked up something pink and bubbly and sauntered back to my showbiz mates.
Laura, Sam and Charlotte were giving my glass very odd looks but I thought nothing of it, assuming they were just disgusted by my calorie intake.
But no! Turns out my glass of fizz was in fact a very disgruntled Nikki Grahame who was not happy at all being sipped from. She is so gorgeously petite I hadn’t realised!
Luckily, she said it happened all the time. In fact only last week she’d been mistaken for a bellini by Nick Knowles. Don’t tell Gemma Oaten!
Nikki has forgiven me though and we’re already arranging some drinks in Soho to get to know each other better.
Before then I need to buy a decent hairdryer and get some new clothes. I can’t go to these events looking so scruffy anymore. Help!