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Andy West casts his wickedly funny eye over CBB’s new housemates

The Big Brother favourite's verdict on launch night

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And ‘pop!’ goes Celebrity Big Brother 2017, but who has gone into the BB Bubble? I can’t believe it’s been 6 months since I was blindfolded in the back of a blacked-out limo with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones blocking out all sight and sound of the outside world. Nothing can describe the excitement and terror of that emptiness…or the horror and joy of what was to come. But who will be riding this January’s roller coaster?

SPENCER AND HEIDI ‘SPEIDI’

Olly Murs’ potato brother and Jerry Hall’s walking curling wand. Clearly ready to rock the panto villain part but they couldn’t take on Rylan last time and this time they have neither the intelligence nor the fortitude to do any better. My SPEIDI sense says they’ll fail to make the stink they promise to… more like a damp fart.

JAMES JORDAN

He says he signed up to wind people up? Did he Samba out the wrong side of the Z-list ballroom bed this morning? All that fake swearing and threats to stir things up do nothing to fool me. He’s not interesting, he’s as dull as his potty mouth is dirty.

JASMINE WALTZ

Talking of dancing… T*TS ARE T*TS says Jasmine Waltz. There are certainly three t*ts in there so far. She looks stunning in her cat suit and ears – purrrr – and promises to be a busy pussy in the house. I’m sure she will be! Saucer of milk for me. It’s sour… and getting worse.

RAY J

Brandy’s brother. Snoop Dogg’s his cousin? But who the Hell is he? Young people know. He’s the vaguely feminine guy getting his rocks off with Kym Kardashian in her sex tape… the only reason she’s famous. So, it’s his fault she’s everywhere? I would hate him for that but he’s wearing the suit version of Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress and for that I like him. A bit.

BIANCA GASCOINE

Bianca accidentally glued her eyes shut. Was that when she bought that dress? We’ve seen some more troubling stories about her dad Paul Gascoine recently. Do your dad proud Bianca.

AUSTIN ARMACOST

I’ve got a very – VERY – intimate interview coming up with Austin for my Youtube channel AndyVision where Austin tells all about his troubled past and reveals his surprising sex drive, as well as the real reason he and his hubby split. Last time he went into CBB he was carrying the fresh pain of the loss of his brother. This time he goes in there older and wiser but perhaps no more settled. He has a new man but will we see a new Austin this series? I predict more high emotion but that’s what I loved about him before.

COLEEN NOLAN

We knew Coleen was going into the house the moment she left an empty seat on Loose Women. If only they had all been empty I might have watched the show. She took a lot of stick from Julie Goodyear in her original CBB series because she was lovely and gorgeous but a bit wet… a lot wet…extremely wet… as wet as the Big Brother house pool. Now she says she’ll stand up for herself. I kind of don’t want her to. The house doesn’t need everyone to be in your face. You need some sweetness in there too. And she’s sweet fizzy pop.

JAMES COSMO

An actual respectable actor? James is used to the Game of Thrones, now he’ll have to do with a different throne… the Big Brother diary room chair which, like Marco Pierre White Jnr, is every bit as dangerous to sit on. Before his latest starring role he was in the legendary Trainspotting. He’ll have to watch some serious train wrecks judging by this lot so far. I hope he can keep it together in there and not be patronised for his age and intelligence. The others will be jealous of his status and try to downgrade him to the ‘father figure’ of the house. He’s the daddy for sure but he’s more than that.

STACY FRANCES

(As she appeared…) Well apparently this glamorous, shapely helium-voiced glitterball has an amazing voice but her actual bottom was way more stunning than the BUM note she hit on the American X Factor. Apparently she runs five miles a day but this lady will not go the distance this season in my opinion. The other housemates are already gasping to be offended by her. Knives are drawn. (40 mins later…) Yup! Told you. I can read that house like a book. I felt so sorry for her as the housemates chose her as the ‘least entertaining’ and to be edited out. What nonsense. As usual the idiot housemates choose a threat for punishment instead of being honest. Deja vu.

BRANDON BLOCK

He was part of the biggest musical revolution ever? Er… not the invention of pop music then? Reckon Paul McCartney might have something to say about that. He’ll probably win it and that annoys me deeply but I’m going to give him a chance because he might be a decent fella. He’s conquered the world and earned some respect. East 17 were massive…

NICOLA McLEAN

The model immediately took a dig at Queen Brian Dowling proving that this girl has the brain power of a parsnip to match the lips of a pike fish. I have no respect for anyone who could drink from a glass without tilting it. She also dislikes people who like water… and she gets lost on a single set of stairs… this level of stupidity is funny until it turns into malice. Which it always does. I mention no names from my house…

JAMIE O’HARA

I got excited when I heard a footballer was going in but then I realised it was Jamie who seems like a nice enough guy but not the eye candy I was hoping for. Still he should add a dose of decent sound-as-a-poundness to the mix. He seems like a good guy but will he be able to make any mark? I sense a silent type.

CALUM BEST

Calum has spoken before about his deeply troubled relationship with his dad and he was dead angsty last time he was in the house. He launched his own eau de cologne a couple of years ago. I got it for Christmas from my ex. It stank. Other than that, he bores me. Far from the Best housemate. (Yes he’s handsome.)

ANGIE BEST

She describes herself as a big dog? No, she has some class from what I’ve seen and she made a very difficult decision when she brought Calum up away from his troubled dad. This is a strong woman and one worthy of respect. I hope she keeps it. It’ll be amazing to see what she makes of her sexy son’s antics.