Marcel,
Hi.
What’s that?
Yeah, we know you were in Blazin’ Squad.
Anyway.
Never have we been so grateful for the Love Island Saturday night break. Normally we hate it. We have to watch some proper telly on Netflix or ugh, go out or something awful and meanwhile we have no idea what’s going on in the place that really matters: The Villa.
But this week we need a break. We need to block what just happened out and not think about what’s going on right now in Majorca, as Gabby gets the postcard showing you in bed with another girl or hears that you had not one but two snogs with someone else, about ten seconds after asking her to be your girlfriend, AKA the Love island version of getting married and having three kids.
We need time to compute that we think right now, Chris and Olivia might be showing more signs of loyalty and faithfulness than you. Yeah you heard. Chris and Olivia.
You know the panic you were having over someone else cracking on with Gabby? She’s having the same one. And you’ve just made her worst fears real.
Because here is the thing Marcel, no matter how much you tell us that this was part of the game, we won’t accept it. Because you were the only one in a relationship, and you didn’t need to share a bed, and you said ‘I will’ too quickly and too readily. It’s about 30 degrees – sleep on a sunbed. Snuggle in with Dom. Get a lilo and have a kip in the pool. But do not get in bed with another woman.
And for that matter, stop having a casual cuddle in with her as you stand getting drinks. Yeah we saw that and we’d rather you acted like Dom and kept a safe three feet distance just in case anyone got the wrong idea. Sure, Dom is now the most boring person to be on TV since… probably someone on Countryfile or something but at least he’s loyal. Oh my god, now we even trust Dom over you. This has gone so horribly, horribly wrong.
And now, we will address the snogging.
Snog One: The one that required that any contestant in the villa to snog someone for five seconds. Hear that bit, Marcel? Any contestant. Just because you got the text – that was deliberate by the way, to test you, news flash: you failed – there was no requirement that you did it. Just a hunch, but Kem probably would have been alright with picking one of the ubiquitous blondes and sticking his tongue down one of their possibly identical throats.
Read more: Viewers give their verdict on Marcel’s behaviour
Snog Two: The oldest boy, AKA Marcel, had to kiss the oldest girl, AKA… Erm, one of the girls who all look the same. Arguably slightly more legitimate, if we’re treating Love Island as a genuine game rather than the beginning of a beautiful love story, Marcel, which are we now, ARE WE?
Read more: Rumours about the I’m A Celeb line-up have started already…
Because honestly, we thought you wanted more. We thought you and Gabs were the real thing and you had frankly restored our faith in reality show morality.
How can a man so wise as you Marcel, and so awesome at giving advice to everyone else in the world (the world is currently a villa in Majorca, don’t tell us otherwise), have got this call so wrong?
Yours,
The Nation (because we all watch Love Island now, did you hear? Even MPs and Stormzy and Liam Gallagher)
PS Camilla is going to give you such a disappointed face and you won’t have ever felt so bad in your life. Prepare for that.